If I Die Tonight Read online

  It was fake news, complete with a hero, a villain, and various conspiracy narratives. And with the help of social media, it became something to follow, to believe in and swear by, to whisper about and post about and comment on incessantly, inaccurately . . . until the next bit of dark gossip took hold and spread.

  Though the hit-and-run took place a few years ago, I am still haunted by the thought of both boys, of their mothers trying to learn the real truth, even as their children were transformed into characters in an ongoing gossip-fueled narrative, their humanity disappearing as their bleak shared story took on a life of its own.

  I GREW UP in the suburbs of Los Angeles and went to college in the Chicago area, after which I moved to New York City for graduate school and wound up staying for several years. But when my husband and I settled down and had a child, it was in a small town, two and a half hours north of New York City—one of many lovely, idyllic hamlets on the banks of the Hudson River or nearby, with historic buildings and public squares and populations smaller than that of most universities. In many ways, my town is a wonderful place to raise a family—the streets are safe, the cost of living is low, the public school is a good one, and the pace is slower, less cutthroat than it is in the city.

  But as many good things as there are to be had in a small town, so many of them—the slow pace, the familiarity, the utter safety of it all—can also make it a breeding ground for malicious gossip, especially when something, or someone, happens to threaten that fragile status quo. It’s been going on since the beginning of time. Think of the Salem witch trials, McCarthy-era finger-pointing, or, more recently, the persecution of the three bullied goth teenagers from Arkansas known as the West Memphis Three, who were imprisoned for a series of brutal child murders until documentary filmmakers found the evidence that ultimately freed them. The early rape conviction of Making a Murderer’s Steven Avery (which was later overturned) arguably stemmed from the disdain the citizens of Manitowoc County felt for Avery and his odd-duck family, all of them clearly outsiders in their pleasant little community.

  We all believe what we want to believe, and in a small town, those beliefs catch on and spread like fire, especially in the era of social media. Nothing is vetted on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, yet a false post or comment is all too often taken at face value and repeated and repeated until it becomes an accepted fact.

  It doesn’t take something as devastating as a murder to get the rumor mill churning, but tragedy does send it into overdrive. Perhaps it’s the desire to make sense out of the senseless, to restore that fragile idea of order by naming a villain, painting him as truly evil, and punishing him for it as quickly as possible.

  But motivations and people are rarely as simple as we’d like to believe. And my heart still aches for those boys involved in the hit-and-run, whose truths most of us will never know. That memory—particularly the anguish I believe their mothers must have felt—was what inspired me to write If I Die Tonight. It was my attempt to explore the way real lives can be swallowed up by the driving, dangerous need to tell stories, to punish those who disturb us, to “make sense of things.”

  Read on

  Five Big Books Set in Small Towns

  If I Die Tonight is the first book I’ve ever written set in a small, fictional town, but I’ve been a fan of them for years. The setting, so often charming and idyllic, can also be tense, claustrophobic, a breeding ground for bad behavior and dark, desperate thoughts. Throw in the fictional element and the town itself becomes another multifaceted character. From To Kill a Mockingbird’s Maycomb to Absalom, Absalom’s Jefferson (located in Yoknapatawpha County, which is actually mapped out in the book) these towns have made an indelible impression on me over the years—while the fictional locales in these five books have had a more recent impact.

  The Fever

  by Megan Abbott

  Bathed in mist and built around a toxic lake, Abbott’s Dryden is spooky to begin with. But when the girls of Dryden High start experiencing bizarre unexplained seizures, it gets downright horrifying. As any Salem witch could tell you, small towns are ripe for outbreaks of hysteria, and Abbott exploits this memorably in her chilling tale.

  Sunburn

  by Laura Lippman

  Lippman ventures from her familiar territory of Baltimore, setting this 90s noir tale in the depressed village of Belleville. With descriptions so vivid you feel like you’re walking its dusty streets, Lippman creates a territory ripe for desperation and daydreams—the perfect place for her characters to lie low, think big . . . and fall deeply and dangerously in love.

  Still Life

  by Louise Penny

  Penny’s first book introduces the lovely fictional town of Three Pines, explaining that the only reason anyone locks their doors there is “to prevent neighbors from dropping off baskets of zucchini at harvest time.” With all that charm, the Quebec-area town proves to be a particularly intriguing spot to set a mystery, in the same way a bright smile can belie the shockingly unpleasant thoughts behind it.

  The Virgin of Small Plains

  by Nancy Pickard

  Corruption and sin roil beneath the surface of the eponymous Kansas town in this quietly suspenseful book, which shifts back and forth between 2004 and seventeen years earlier. With the grave of the “virgin” attracting visitors from all over, many of whom view it as some type of healing shrine, Small Plains gains a strange notoriety as years pass. But it’s the town’s many dark secrets that will define it for readers.

  Blame

  by Jeff Abbott

  Abbott’s Lakehaven is more of a suburb, but the rumor-mongering, backstabbing, and secret-keeping that go on within its jurisdiction are the classic attributes of a fictional small town. Add in the fact that the book’s heroine suffers from amnesia—and may or may not have done something terrible during the period she doesn’t remember—and the feeling of isolation is so pervasive it’s terrifying.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

  Also by Alison Gaylin

  What Remains of Me

  Trashed

  Heartless

  Reality Ends Here

  the Brenna Spector series

  And She Was

  Into the Dark

  Stay With Me

  Samantha Leiffer novels

  Hide Your Eyes

  You Kill Me

  Copyright

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  P.S.TM is a trademark of HarperCollins Publishers.

  IF I DIE TONIGHT. Copyright © 2018 by Alison Gaylin. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  Cover design by Alicia Tatone

  Cover photographs © John Burcham / National Geographic / Getty Images (rain drops); © Allen Donikowski / Getty Images (rain drops); © Gallery Stock (road); © Valentino Sani / Trevillion Images (stepback)

  FIRST EDITION

  Title page and chapter opener art © dimitris_k/shutterstock, inc.

  Digital Edition MARCH 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-264111-3

  Version 01122018

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-264109-0 (paperback)

  ISBN: 978-0-06-264110-6 (library edition)

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